Never-Ending Mercy

2009-05-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to write this for over a week now. But for those of you who know how stubborn I can be, well, its pretty self-explanatory. This piece was going to originally fall under another writing titled “Reasons Why I Love The Catholic Church”, and that is still going to be finished at a later date; but this particular subject I’m writing on today (mercy) has been on my heart. I feel like God has put it there for me to share with others.

Today is Friday, May 22, 2009, and two weeks ago today, my brother died. He was 26 and he committed suicide. He would have been 27 in July. I was 9 when he was born. We have different mothers but I never considered him a “half”-sibling. He was my baby brother and I am blessed to have had the opportunity to know him and love him and I thank God daily for the time that He gave me with James.

James died the morning of May 8th but I didn’t find out until early that afternoon. I had a 1:30pm appointment with my priest about my coming Confirmation into the Catholic Church. I got home about 2:30pm and my daughter, Nicole, was sitting at the computer, basically very freaked-out. James’ girlfriend (they lived in Oregon) had sent Nicole a MySpace message to call ASAP but wouldn’t answer her calls. So I called her and she told me that James had committed suicide that morning. I then called my uncle to confirm the horrible news; it was true. He was driving back up to Oregon (where he also lives) to “take care of things”. I can’t imagine his train of thought. He just lost my aunt in September.

James was not a Christian. As a matter of fact, he was a self-proclaimed Atheist. He couldn’t even wrap his mind around the concept of a loving God; I couldn’t blame him for that, actually, and you wouldn’t either, if you had grown up in the house that we did with the parents that we had. I was lucky, because when my mother was in my life (until I was 9), our grandparents raised my sister and I in the Nazarene Church. So I had grown up with the concept of God and love most of my life. As a teenager, I was baptized and a lot of my life centered around the activities of my teen group at church; I did fall away later. But James was not shown how wonderful and loving God could be. He wasn’t raised in church and my father and step-mother constantly blasphemed God. So it isn’t much of a surprise that my brother came to despise God and, eventually, deny His existence whatsoever.

As soon as I heard the news about my brother, I called my priest from St. John’s (who I had just finished meeting with) and then I called Pastor Hous from Robinwood. Both poured their love and sympathies for my family and I over the phone and prayed with me. My priest said he would say the Mass the next morning with James’ intentions. (It was a beautiful Mass, BTW.) I remember specifically asking Hous, “What do I do now? How do I go on?” And his answer was simple but so truthful: If I wanted to be with James, then I should be with God, because that’s where James was. James was with God and in order to be with James, I needed to be with God. I remembered a part of the Apostles’ Creed that we recite Mass: “I believe in… the communion of saints.”

So for the past two weeks, I have been staying with God in every way possible – in fellowship with my Christian community, in prayer, in reading the Word of God, and remembering… the communion of saints.

Some people, my family included, are still trying to figure out why James did what he did-- finances, other pressures, a wavering romantic relationship… But not me--I am never going to be able to figure out the exact “why” of what he did and I quit trying early on. It doesn’t matter anyway because I know that it no longer applies. Whatever pain or other extreme circumstances James was facing, they are gone now. My brother is no longer suffering from whatever Satan or this world heaped upon his shoulders; whatever he felt he couldn’t face or go on with, it's gone now… GONE. It does not exist any longer. And like I tell Nicole, James would not want us wondering why and toiling over this. His pain is gone and now it is time for us to work and get over our pain. Yes, it takes time, but its something that we need to work on… soothing OUR hurt and pain, not James’.

I’ll tell you what I have told everyone who will listen: My brother was one of the most caring, unselfish people I know. He would give you the coat off his back (literally, he did that for me), the last dollar in his wallet (he did that for me a few times also); he would do any favors you asked of him and never asked for anything in return. He was the first to volunteer to help you out with something. He loved other people and was loved by everyone who knew him. He had a TREMENDOUS sense of humor and could even laugh at himself, and often did! He was way beyond a “people person”. Since I was 18 when Nicole was born, James was almost 9… about the same age I was when he was born. My son Alex, was born just a year later when James was turning 10. So he was more like an older brother to my kids. My baby brother and their older brother. We were all very close.

Nicole is graduating from high school this June and she was going to go up to Oregon and live with James, just like he had come to live with me after he graduated from high school in 2000. James was going to drive down here and watch Nikki graduate. He was immensely proud.

I mentioned before that he took his own life. Well, the “how” here is very important. My brother shot himself with a rifle. Apparently, it made a mess. I don't know anything about rifles or guns, but Haz Mat had to come in and clean up, take up the carpeting, the whole nine yards. But James had this rifle for a long time before; he did not acquire it for the intention of suicide. Besides, James was a cutter. Enough said about that, but if James was in any sort of “sane mind”, he would have laid in the bathtub and cut himself and bled to death in a more “controlled” manner. He would not have shot himself in any realm of his sanity. He would not have made it so his girlfriend could hear the rifle shot and discover him (from what I know, she was upstairs sleeping); he would not have left a huge mess for Haz Mat to come and clean up; and he would not have left his family (especially my kids) in this excruciating pain had he been even nearly in his “right mind”. I don’t even believe that James would have killed himself in any manner if he was at all sane. My brother was NOT a quitter. I joke with people that he would cheat at Monopoly if it meant him winning (true story). My brother would NOT give up.

The Nazarene church I grew up in was very “harsh” (which is one of the reasons why I left, besides the snobbery). I was taught that suicide was the unforgivable sin. All suicides went to Hell. And, boy, did I hear a lot about Hell in that church. Instead of hearing about the love of God and His infinite mercy, it was mostly about hell, fire, and damnation.

But growing up in the family that I did and then being diagnosed as a young mother with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I always challenged the belief that suicide was the unforgivable sin; that it was the automatic, one-way ticket to Hell. I just could not believe that God would send a mentally ill person to Hell! And I still don’t. I truly believe that a merciful God would not allow a person to be afflicted with a mental illness and then in their most despondent time, send them to Hell because they took their own life.

And sometime last week, when I was reading the Word and writing, I was thinking about all of this. How many times have I tried to end my life, before and after my diagnosis of Bipolar? What about the people I met in the psychiatric hospitals who were not really “there” at all? What about my other family diagnosed with other mood & anxiety disorders? And my father who refused to admit there was anything “wrong” with him and his family so he drank himself to death? I truly believe that both my father and brother had Bipolar just like me, my sister, & my cousin.

I was actually looking up another subject in the Catechism of the Catholic Church when I decided to look up suicide. Yes, suicide is a mortal sin that falls under the 5th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Kill.

1857
For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: "Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent."

1859
Mortal sin requires full knowledge and complete consent. It presupposes knowledge of the sinful character of the act, of its opposition to God's law. It also implies a consent sufficiently deliberate to be a personal choice....

1860
Unintentional ignorance can diminish or even remove the imputability of a grave offense. But no one is deemed to be ignorant of the principles of the moral law, which are written in the conscience of every man. The promptings of feelings and passions can also diminish the voluntary and free character of the offense, as can external pressures or pathological disorders.

But the Catechism also specifically includes text regarding suicide:

Suicide
2282
…Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.

2283
We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives.

I cannot tell you what it meant for me to read those words. It was so soothing. “Soothing” is the closest I can come to describing it. People might think that I choose to believe what the Church teaches, and I do on every other subject. But not on this one. I KNEW what I believed before I read these words. But then right when I needed it, God spoke to me through my Church’s words and confirmed my beliefs. My brother was covered by Jesus’ mercy in the last moments of his life and is now in Heaven with Him, just waiting for me to get there. And I can't wait to hear James laugh at himself when I say "I told you so!"

A wonderful, believing friend of mine put this great picture in my head that (thankfully) I can’t forget… the image of my blue (or pink) haired, pierced brother up there in Heaven hanging out with God, covered in His mercy. And in her words, “Wahoooo, James!”

A Time for Everything

2009-05-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

I've started writing again, something I don't do as often as I used to. I'm reading the Bible and writing about grief and mourning and how God is going to turn it all into joy. I'm reading in Ecclesiastes, Isaiah, Sirach, Matthew, Luke, John, Acts, & Revelation (so far-- but I'm sure I'll read more books). I read in both my NAB (Catholic) and NIV Bibles, concentrating on my NAB since it has the extra books that the Protestant Bible doesn't have and it also has way more explanations, references, & commentaries, too.

Out of all that I have read so far about Jesus wiping our tears away, and turning our grief & mourning into joy, etc., the most moving verse I have read so far is Eccl. 3:15. Chapter 3 is titled in the NAB "Man Cannot Hit Upon the Right Time To Act", but the NIV titles is as "A Time for Everything". After the very poetic verses 1-8, I read 9-15.

3:4 "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."
3:11 "He has made everything appropriate in its time..."
3:15 "...and God restores what would otherwise be displaced." The Hebrew word for restore is "shuwb" which means to return, to refresh and repair.

How awesome is that? God is going to return, refresh & repair what otherwise would be displaced, moved or lost; And I truly believe that it includes my mourning heart. And since He made EVERYTHING appropriate in its time, then God has sovereignty over my heart. Instead of trying to fix it myself, like in mourning and trying to "get over it", then God will, in His time, repair (heal) my heart. After my heart's time to weep is over, it will laugh. After my heart's time to mourn, it will dance.

How beautiful is that? We give God sovereignty over our hearts, and He is telling us right there that we will laugh & dance again in His time. It's so comforting that I don't have to think "How long will I mourn my brother? How much longer am I going to be sad?"...because its all in God's time. I don't need to worry about making myself feel better; God is already at work with that. He has control over my heart and knows WHEN I will be laughing and dancing again, not IF. It's so freeing.

Every preacher or priest will tell you that God is in control; but when you read & discover for yourself that God is control of your heart and your grief and HE will repair your heart and you WILL laugh and dance again, it just takes a load off your back.

And then Matt. 11:28 "Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest." That section (vs. 28-30) is called 'The Gentle Mastery of Christ' in my NAB Bible. My gentle Master is offering me the rest that my mourning heart needs if I just come to Him; I don't need to ask for it, I just need to go to Him.

And then, in God's time, my heart won't need to rest, it will be able to laugh and dance.
And as the resurrected Jesus said when he greeted his disciples as they mourned his death: "Peace be with you."

Jesus is offering me in my time of mourning and sadness: peace, rest, His sovereignty and mastery, and in His time, laughing and dancing. What else could I ask for?

Vondalee

Never-Ending Mercy

A Time for Everything